But this isn't about Legendary Pictures. This is about just one of their comic book movies. One from two years ago called Jonah Hex. No, it's not recent. But, with Rotten Tomatoes as my witness, it sure is reviled. A critic score of 12% and audience score of 23% makes cringing faces and insistent thumbs down obvious to me.
And why did the movie fare so badly with audiences and critics? Well, as the consensus rating on RT suggests it is a relatively short movie, coming in at about 80 minutes. Even in 2010 most movies were at least 90. Were scenes that got cut so bad that they couldn't have included them to at least pad it out a bit? Maybe actually explain a thing or two? But length is the least of the movie's problems.
The biggest issue that I have with the movie is that it's not even trying to root itself in the 19th century wild west. There's a sci-fi "nation killer" weapon that the villain is after that, though different in substance, reminds me of the wacky sci-fi elements in Will Smith's Wild Wild West. At one point early on, in fact, a small town sheriff is dealing with Hex and he utters the words "aw hell..." I seriously thought he was going to follow up with "naw," but instead he went with "Hex." His loss, the reference would have made it clear that the rest of the movie is as ridiculous as Will Smith's wild west outing.
But anachronism doesn't end with sci-fi elements that lack proper explanation. It extends into the very fabric of the plot itself in that the villain, Quentin Turnbull (played by John Malkovich in much the same way he plays all his comic book villains), is said to be a "terrorista" by his "Mexican slaves." Add to the confederate soldiers that hold up a train by strapping dynamite across their chests. Instead of a film about the West being wild, it's just a movie about the fear of an internal terrorist attack based entirely on the return of an old enemy to the US of A - the South.
Again. I could let this go and maybe even enjoy the movie if things were better explained. Does Turnbull want to bring back slavery? Keep power in the South? Let all the states govern themselves separately? Just avoid being pushed around by "big government"? Aside from the fact that the South lost the Civil War, no motivation is given for his actions. A villain without motivation is like an allegory told without symbolism or metaphor. Oops.
One more big problem and then I'll move onto a few of the smaller ones.
The overall message of the movie, if it can be said to have one, is that vengeance only begets more vengeance and killing and war are bad. At least, that's what the voice overs in the first few scenes suggest. But Jonah never tries to solve things peacefully. Many of the movie's scenes end in explosions, and Jonah demonstrates his prowess with a pistol by never leaving any prisoners.
Hell, in the scene where he's bartering with the sheriff about the four brothers he just brought in, he kills the local law enforcement, hands the badge to some lolly-gagger and then as he's leaving town he blows it up. Why?
As far as I can figure Jonah is only secured as the hero because he doesn't do things like attack small towns while everyone's in church. Turnbull is blind vengeance, but Hex is Christian vengeance, and somehow that's okay.
Now. The small things.
Two of the scenes opened on really ridiculous shots.
The first of these, the scene after Lilah (Megan Fox) and Hex have been knocking boots all night, opens with her fully clothed and holding herself up over him. This, to me, is awkward since it makes it look like they haven't moved all night.
The second is a scene that starts with Turnbull's henchmen opening a chest and one of them saying "pretty orange balls." Eventually the camera swivels around to reveal a bunch of starless dragon balls, but still. It's a ridiculous line with which to open the scene hinting at what the "nation killer" weapon is.
And, the last of the small things that I'll write about here: Megan Fox can't seem to emote when she's doing her accent. When she does (acting angry with Hex in an early scene) it noticeably falters. Further, her breasts get pushed further and further out of her blouse in each successive scene. I prefer my fanboy pandering to have a little more subtlety.
But - this isn't about tearing bad movies down. There's a whole internet for that. This is about building them back up, or at least coming up with something to recommend them. So, here are a few good things about Jonah Hex.
The music. There's some nicely placed light metal (thanks to Mastadon), a bit of kicking banjo, and, when Hex is about to enter the cemetery at night the music has a brief section that definitely refers to the "Boo House" music from Super Mario World. Listen for yourself:
Jonah Hex Cemetery Music
Super Mario World Boo House Music
Also good: the casting. Josh Brolin really does a good job here (indeed the mark of a good actor, as Joshua Starnes of comingsoon.com points out[link]). John Malkovich does a good job here. Will Arnett is also entertaining, even if his character is forgettably generic.
More good can be found in Jonah Hex's talking with the dead super power. It's a really neat idea since it isn't unlimited. He can't bring people back from the dead permanently. He can still die. That those he revives burn up as their time runs out is awesome, and that dirt revives them is incredibly cool. But the only explanation that we're given of this power is that it is the result of his near death experience at the movie's beginning.
What's more, the idea that the dead can see everyone they knew in life at every and any moment is incredible, but I'm left asking: how does it work? Are they in heaven? hell? Can Jonah revive a good person (in the movie he revives only scoundrels) and will they be helpful? Will they burn up? Maybe these questions are answered in the comic.
Which brings me to my next point.
Does this movie cause the Green Lantern Effect? Does it make me want to learn more about the character and his world? Even go so far as to start reading the comic or a summary thereof somewhere?
No. Not really.
His powers are pretty rad, but that's all I'm interested in based on this movie. The comic seems like it'd be a busty explosion fest. There might be some neat visuals like Jonah exhaling a crow (that was absolutely amazing!) or the one immediately below (homemade screen-cap, all rights to Jonah Hex's creators/producers), but this movie failed to interest me in the mythology or history or background of the characters, plot, and setting.
For more than anything this is because no one learns anything.
By the end of the movie Jonah is still a 19th century "big government" hater and nothing really changes. The twist regarding his best friend Jeb and Quentin Turnbull is a nice one, but hardly worth sitting trough the hour and fifteen minutes that precede it. It complicates the story, sure, but why complicate your story when your main character doesn't even learn from it; the movie ends with Jonah essentially saying - "I'm a killer, always have been, always will be."
Maybe this makes him the perfect symbol of Christian vengeance (having been branded *does* bring the Biblical mark of Cain to mind, too), but it comes nowhere near enough to making him a good character or this a good movie.
But. With that said - I admit that I can see myself playing this movie again for background noise. I'd watch the amazing crow exhaling scene, and revel in the Boo House music, but I'd not give it a captive pair of eyes.
So, Freya, try to take just half of this one up. Oh. And, be sure to get its good side.
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