Intro
Plot Summary
The Bad
The Good
Judgment
Closing
Intro
Immortals is one of those movies that comes along every now and then with quite a bit of promise. Not necessarily promise to revive the sword and sandal genre or to deliver a stunning story that will have people talking for years. But with the promise of maybe marrying visuals to story in a way that transcends the action genre in the same way that a band like Rhapsody of Fire transcends the label "symphonic metal."
A promise of heavy action, dark and high fantasy elements, and cheesy fetch-quest/macguffin-driven epic stories that are fully enjoyable because they're just so earnest.
However, like a Roman (or a modern) senator, Immortals doesn't come close to fulfilling this promise. Rotten Tomatoes' critics definitely agree, having awarded the movie a 37%, and audiences are eying the fence since their legs are tired - but not that tired - having given it a 52%.
The story of Immortals can't entirely be blamed for this, it's so run-of-the-mill you can't really pin a "good" or "bad" label on it.
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Plot Summary
Hyperion (played by Mickey Rourke) seeks to revive the Titans who were defeated by the Gods in a great war before history began. To succeed in his plan, he needs a weapon called the Epirus Bow, but it has been lost. So, in his search for it he has - quite cleverly - "moved every precious stone you people worship upon."
Meanwhile, a young man named Theseus (Henry Cavill) grows up in a small village. The village is attacked, he's taken as a slave (to "work in the salt mines") and while in the slave train he meets the oracle Phaedra (the lovely Freida Pinto). They break free along with a tongueless monk, a thief, and another, and then they start to quest about for the bow.
Spoilers start here.
Theseus finds the bow in his village's crypt after returning there to bury his mother. Somehow Hyperion gets a hold of it, and then Theseus and his gang head out to meet the Greek (?) forces that are about to face Hyperion at Mount Tartarus, where the Titans are bound. They arrive just in time and Theseus rallies the troops against Hyperion. But Hyperion frees the Titans, at which point the Gods appear. Gods fight Titans. Men fight men. And Theseus defeats Hyperion. The whole mountain collapses, and we're shown that Theseus and Phaedra had a son.
Generic plot aside, what's so bad about this movie? Like Poseidon plummeting into the sea to cause a tidal wave - let's dive right in.
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The Bad
The biggest problem that the movie has is that major plot points are obscured by action sequences. It's not that you're left reeling after an action sequence and can't take in what's happening in the plot as a result, but rather that major plot points tend to happen *during* the action. And they can be hard to pick out.
For example, when Theseus and co. break free from the slave train, I had no idea how they did it - some sort of brouhaha broke out and then in the next scene they're in some room. And when the Epirus bow is stolen in the middle of a later action sequence, it just appears with Hyperion a few scenes later. A henchman must have run off with the bow in the confusion of the skirmish, but this isn't a video game, and so letting the viewer share in the confusion of battle isn't a good thing.
Further, just who is fighting who is really unclear.
Hyperion, all around creep-tastic badass, is the villain. And Rourke plays this role excellently. Even if he does look like something you might want to trap in a ball and force to fight for you.
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But who are the good guys?
Anonymous "Greek" soldiers in period garb I guess. Maybe the Greeks as a whole? Or the "Hellenics" as the gods refer to the humans that are fighting against Hyperion. But just who the good guys are is never made clear. Placing the story in 1200 BC is kind of clever though - a time that's far removed from ours, but not as distant as, say, 10 000 BC. So allegiances and who did what and all of those silly "details" can more or less be ignored.
Plot problems aside, the action of the movie is also lacking.
In fact, this movie commits the greatest (and maybe oldest) action movie sin.
In the first real action scene with Theseus pitted against Hyperion's men, we see a line - a single-file line! - of Hyperion's men running at and attacking our hero without breaking formation. And that's practically the whole sequence. But even worse is when Theseus fights the minotaur in the crypt.
After having knocked Theseus around a bit, the minotaur goes up some stairs to a landing and then pulls Theseus' prone and weakened body up to the same level.
Then the minotaur stands there. And stands there.
And vaguely waves around his club.
And then he stands some more - waiting until Theseus gets up.
There's a solid six second gap between the minotaur's pulling him up and Theseus' counter-attack. Six seconds in which the minotaur could have ended this movie. But nope. For some reason he waits patiently while Theseus collects himself, grabs a shard of something and then slices his tendons. Yeah. Well. Minotaurs are only intelligent in science fiction re-tellings, it seems.
Moving onto the quest item at the movie's center, there are some major issues with it as well.
The fact that the Epirus Bow is found not in some distant shrine, but a pile of rubble in the crypt of Theseus' village makes it clear that the movie's creators desperately wanted a video game tie-in. As if the action sequences aren't hint enough.
Granted, a bow that makes its own arrows when you draw it is pretty cool - but just happening to stumble upon it like that? I'm sort of surprised that the bow wasn't Theseus' conscience or something along those lines, but then, that would be far too deep.
And deep thought is definitely not something to apply to this movie.
After all, if you look for them, the messages of the movie aren't entirely clear.
War is bad because you need to fight for the right reasons, and one of those reasons is to defend the weak. So, then, might, so long as it's in defense of "the weak," makes right?
The gods don't listen to people's prayers because Zeus has a strict non-interference policy in place, but the actions of a human can restore Zeus' faith in people? So the gods work as long as people believe in them? Curiously undercutting religion, but simultaneously supporting it.
Theseus seems adrift and uncertain, but then the bow makes him believe that there are indeed gods and he becomes focused and true? So religion is necessary to have a meaningful purpose?
All of these can be found in the movie, and all of them are kind of odd. But the strangest of all comes when Lysander, a soldier whom Theseus dishonored, reveals that Theseus is the child of rape.
That Theseus is believed to be the child of rape is troubling because he is both the hero, and, at least according to the original myth, the son of Zeus.
Now, Zeus is into some freaky stuff, but I don't think gang-rape (which Lysander mildly implies) was ever something he did. Sex up a woman while in the form of an ox? Sure. Appear to a woman as a shower of gold? Okay. Ravish a young boy (in both senses of the word) so he can be your heavenly cup-bearer? That gets another one of Zeus' thumbs-up.
Aside from this inaccuracy, Theseus' parentage is troubling because it suggests an oddly pro-life message. It's never mentioned in this movie (but might be in a sequel, if there ever is such a thing), but if series canon is that Zeus is Theseus' father, then you could interpret that as saying that children of rape are gifts from the god(s).
But it's just a flashy Hollywood action flick, right? It doesn't really have any messages, right?
Stepping away from the issue of Theseus' origins, let's look at his character.
Does anyone know the Ancient Greek form of the name "Stu"? Because Theseus is as flawless as Parian marble. Sure he has a hot temper, but that only flares up when he's "defending his loved ones." He's got Larry-Stu written all over him.
The only other character of note is the oracle that breaks out of the slave train with Theseus. Her character is fine throughout most of the movie, pretty standard strong-willed woman with an important social role stuff.
But Theseus drops a line about her special gift of prophecy being more of a curse than a blessing. Then he goes down to bury his mom, comes back, and she lets him deflower her.
As a virgin oracle this is supposed to release her from her power, but as the rest of the movie suggests, she keeps her powers anyway - even passing them onto the son she has at the movie's end.
Phaedra's giving up her power of prophecy so easily is poor writing. Not because she doesn't lose them after having sex as the world of the movie suggests will happen, but because she doesn't go through any major struggle to reach her decision to lose her powers.
We see her in one scene and she seems vaguely thoughtful about Theseus' calling her gift a curse. We see her again, minutes later, and she gives it up. Bad character writing of a high caliber, this is.
Another quibble, and this time with the movie as a whole, is that it is dim. Just like in countless 20th century movies set in the middle ages, everything seems darker than it ought to be. Maybe the sense that's being conveyed here is that the movie's action takes place at the "dawn of time" but that's a figurative expression, not a literal one. Especially on a small screen, so much darkness makes it difficult to actually see a lot of the movie's detail.
Now, to the movie's credit, there are some good things in it, too.
And no, they aren't just limited to Rourke's Hyperion, originator of such gems as:
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The Good
Theseus' own philosophy is definitely a good one - "deeds are eternal, not the flesh." Better to do great deeds than have a lot of kids. Definitely. This is also something found throughout heroic literature, from Hercules to Beowulf and back again.
And, though the movie thoroughly goes in the opposite direction, the attempt to class it up by quoting Socrates at the beginning is a nice touch. And the choice of quotes is obviously appropriate.
Plus, there are sequences where the characters actually talk in what sounds like Ancient Greek.
And even on the small screen, the visuals are compelling. Especially the final mass battle scene, which is also well choreographed.
And...uh.
Well, that's it, really. There's not too much more that's actually really all that good about the movie.
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Judgment
Immortals' plot is poorly told, despite its simplicity. The action choreography is poorly executed in all of the small scale fights. The characters are flat for the most part. The motivation of Hyperion is just that he lost faith after the gods let his wife and son die of disease. The fact that the Titans seem to be leopard-skinned pig men who can only grunt goes unexplained.
Zeus, Poseidon, Athena, and two other gods being the only ones in Olympus makes for a seriously dull bunch of deities. Granted, Zeus realizing that his isolationist policy is mistaken is at least a nice nod to the fallible Zeus of myth. But the absence of Hera, and especially Kronos, the Greek gods' father and king of the Titans, is far too conspicuous to let pass.
Weighing the good against the bad, this movie can hardly stand.
In it there's promise of a great story told in an over the top way, but the plot is too much like a video game's, leaving you with the sense that "you just had to be there" to really get it.
The effects are pretty, but a sword and sandals movie with gods and ultimate evils and big bads that just has effects is like a Rhapsody of Fire song that just has guitar shredding and a strings section but no lyrics.
A good action plot doesn't need to be something out of Dickens or Orwell, but it should be good - the kind of thing you could sing along to when no-one's looking if it was a song. But if Immortals was a song, it'd be one that you wouldn't want to sing even if you were entirely alone, faced only by your own reflection.
So, Freya, leave this one where it lay. But, maybe take its jeweled sword or diamond encrusted plate armor - it has no further use for either.
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Closing
Did you think that the Immortals was more than just another action movie? Or was it worse than being Socrates and having your wife dump a chamberpot on your head? Feel free to express your own thoughts on Immortals in the comments below.
And check back next week for the start of a series on freelance writing, an article about a topic yet to be announced, and an attempt to find some good in Battlefield Earth - a film that Rotten Tomatoes' critics gave a whopping 2% and that audiences gave 17%. But, even in the worst of films there's some good to be found. The question is: is there enough?
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