[Moon-dæg] Parody Reporting, Gold, and Laughter

Preamble
Billionaires Breathe Comedy Gold
Closing

{Forget gold mining, today's bit of writing reveals a more sought for metal. Image from portableantiquities on Flickr via Fotopedia.}

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Preamble

Tonight's piece of creative writing is another that came from the local writing group. It was written in response to an exercise where we each had to name a despicable person and either defend or incriminate that person. The person we were writing about at the time was one Kevin O'Leary, a periodically controversial entrepreneur, investor, and TV personality.

I must have been thinking about a particular root vegetable when this was written on the night of 20 November 2011, because my writing took the form of parody reporting. So some things may have been exaggerated for effect.

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Billionaires Breathe Comedy Gold

It appears that in a world where jobs are scarce, resources are being eaten up, and reasons for laughter seem few and far between, there is a ray of hope.

Billionaires like Mr. Kevin O'Leary.

Good, kind, old, "I like money" O'Leary is one of the few things that comedians can still use to connect to the common man, woman, and child. These brave people of the punchline - never out of work themselves it seems - are able to use figures like Mr. O'Leary for a nearly inexhaustible supply of funnies.

"In this tough economic time, I'm just glad that there are still some fat cats for us to still poke fun at," said Lana von Opsidoodle. "It's really taken the pressure off in our search for material. And, finally the plight of African children working in ridensium mines across that continent have been heard. Mr. O'Leary and those like him are real heroes to us. And to those kids."

Ridensium is a rare metal found only in places that were once rife with hyenas. Scientists say that the animals' hilarious barks echoed off the walls for centuries, infusing them with what they like to call "pure funny."

"We were very near a ridensium shortage" Dr. Arno Leggit said at a recent press conference. He explained further that "Hyenas are nearly extinct because of people like Jamie Oliver and Chet McCooks who lauded the animal for its nutritional value and steak-like taste. So the mines were just about tapped out and no new ones have been discovered."

In a later interview Professor Legit was quoted as saying "I think Mr. O'Leary should get more money. Now we can free the slave workers of African ridensium mines, clean up those governments, and maybe bring back the majestic howl of the hyena."

Yet ridensium mines aren't just filled with laughter. They're also popular lion hangouts since along with the animal's sound, the rocks are also rife with the hyenas' scent. Therefore, lions frequent the caves in the hopes of finding there what has long since been absent from the savannah.

As of press time, Mr. O'Leary is slated to receive a large novelty check from the president. The nation's comedians are reportedly standing at the ready.

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Closing

Check back here Wednesday for an article on the newest news and on Friday for a hunt for the good in Wrath of the Titans. Also check this blog out on Tuesday and Thursday for more "Annotated Links."

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